I remember my father saying that he didn’t identify with the
image reflected back at him from his unkind mirror. My grandparents seemed
perplexed at being in their 80’s. Approaching 60, I’m beginning to understand
what they were talking about.
Maybe there’s something in the way I talk to myself that
reinforces my identity. Does everyone do that? I wake up in the morning and as
I turn off the alarm and sit up slowly, I start to list the things I have to do
that day. It sets the tone. Is there an important meeting? Do I get to go
listen to an interesting new band after work? Is that leak in the bathroom
still not repaired? Is there a rehearsal to run to after dinner? Am I late on a
project? I find that the day normally proceeds differently than I projected — and
my feelings, once I show up at work, change over the course of the day regardless
of my first thoughts at 5:15 a.m.
Is life that way, too? We tell ourselves who we are, perhaps
forgetting that so much has changed, and is always changing. We think we’re the
same person but we’re not. Or maybe we are essentially ourselves, inside,
forever.
I was looking at a photo that I uncovered recently in a
neglected corner of my home office. It shows my wife’s 1991 Toyota Tercel, when
it was new, parked in front of the townhouse where we lived from 1990 to 2002.
Isn’t it amazing that an image captures and freezes a moment, while time
marches on? That car is long gone. We don’t live in that townhouse anymore. But
I can remember looking out the front window at the car. I was there—now I’m
here. The memory remains.
Looking at old photos of myself gives me the same eerie
sensation. Young, slim, dark-haired. The thing is, I still feel like that
person, despite the many changes that have taken place to my body — my brain’s
container.
The changes are hard to miss. Heavier, by as much as 35
pounds, depending on when the photo is from. Hair is mostly gray now, and
thinning, especially in the crown. Beard — white. Eyes — lines under them. Skin
— starting to look more like parchment; more moles. Chest hair is turning
white. Muscle tone – diminishing. Back – sore more often. Prostate? Enlarged
(within normal range).
But—beyond all that, I still feel like “me.” What do the
people in the store or restaurant think? They see an older guy. They don’t know
that it’s really me inside. I feel like I’m misrepresenting myself. Don’t they
know I’m just a young guy, starting out? I’m guessing that most of us have this
disconnect.
In a funny sort of way, being able to develop my adolescent
interests in music and cars into real activities in my 50’s has made me more
vital that I might have been if hadn’t made decisions years ago. I’ll never be
a young bass player in a band, but I can play the music of my youth now, hoping
to get the feeling I might have had if I’d had the fearlessness of my middle
years back when I really needed it.
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